Parenting Coaching
“As one individual changes, the system changes.“ Ram Dass
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“If we look beneath everything else - the feelings of fear, helplessness and stress - we discover the true root of our behavior: a legitimate need. There’s nothing ‘bad’ about having a legitimate need; we just have to find a more effective way to meet it.”
— Ilene Val Essen, “Quality Parenting”
Modern parenting is hard. Period.
In our modern world parents are increasingly concerned for their children and increasingly challenged by the complexity and stress of life as it is these days.
There are many reasons why parents seek help from a counselor, but usually it is because they are either seriously worried about their child or because the parent-child relationship has become a struggle – full of strife, conflict and upset feelings on both sides.
Wouldn’t you love to get back to the sweet times, the harmony, the enjoyment of each other and having each other’s backs instead of being adversaries?
Would it feel good if you could discover how to motivate hour child to make wiser choices or act like a better person?
Would it be a relief to finally re-establish trust and harmony in place of suspicion and upset?
Wouldn’t you love to understand your child’s motivations and how to influence them to be the best they can be?
Can a parenting coach help?:
My main goal when doing counseling with parents and children who are bogged down in unhappiness, resignation, upset and a sense of failure, is to consciously and methodically re-establish pathways to enjoying one another again, while the family members systematically re-build mutual respect.
Then, all of us together - the child, the parents and I – co-create workable agreements that serve each member of the family as they resolve long-standing problems.
Enhancing the family dynamics with deeper connection, compassion and mutual win-win benefit are top priorities.
Yes, it is true, this kind of parent-child transformation DOES take something. It might take consistent attention and effort -- by that I mean that your family will have to keep at it until everyone experiences being heard and respected, with their feelings and needs getting taken care of.
However, you will also experience some results quickly which should have you feeling hopeful and confident that you can indeed create a highly functional family and a future way of being that works for every one of you.
Parents report the following results from doing this kind of counseling:
· Harmony was restored
· Family members regained good feelings about each other
· Ineffective disciplinary strategies were successfully replaced by the more effective strategy of workable agreements
· Adults and children alike became more emotionally intelligent in all aspects of their lives – at home, at school, at work, with friends and teammates
Who I am as a parenting coach:
My job is to bring reassurance, hope and excellent tools to the fraught parenting experience.
I educate and empower parents with a deeper understanding of human motivation so that they are clear about what it takes to get a child to change their behavior.
Our mutual goal is for them to enhance their parenting style in order to get better results within their family.
Together we make sure they will be successful at rebuilding a family dynamic full of mutual joy and trust, even amid the stresses of their lives.
My Personal Training As A Parenting Coach:
My personal expertise as a parent was built through almost daily self-education as I navigated the parental version of trial and error.
The biggest source of wisdom for me was my daughter, who knew exactly what would work best in terms of parenting her, allowing her father and me to learn – as we went along -- how to be the best parents we could possibly be (while we still maintained appropriate parental authority in order to keep her safe and well.)
Together, as a family, we co-created the mutual respect/mutual benefit model that I have been using to empower parents ever since.
My Professional Training in Parenting Skills:
· While getting a M.Ed. Degree in Counseling and Guidance, I studied Virginia Satir (often called the Mother of Family Therapy), William Glasser (“Schools without Failure”) and Minuchin’s family systems. More recently I was trained by parenting expert Ilene Val Essen (“Bring Out the Best in Your Child.”)
· After graduate school, I worked for the YMCA’s afterschool program “Big Self, Little Self” developing emotional intelligence groups for young kids and middle schoolers.
· I taught “Assertive Communication Skills for Parents,” “Human Development” and “How to Raise an Emotionally Intelligent Child” at various Community Colleges in Texas, Montana and Nevada.
· My best experience was working as a school counselor at a private K-8 Montessori-style school for several years where I got extremely practical and empowering on-the-job training from the students, their parents and their teachers. They taught me what works with children of different ages and personalities as well as how to empower parents in alignment with their individual parenting styles.
· I have been counseling with parents and families for the past 20 years. During this educational experience, I helped to develop several useful strategies, such as the Mutual Respect/Mutual Benefit/Mutual Trust Parenting Model, Workable Agreements and the Structure-Freedom Discipline Model, all of which have proven to be potent tools for creating harmony and resolving parent-child power struggles.
Some Specializations I have as a Parenting Coach:
· Empowering parents with children who are labeled as “too much kids” i.e., too forceful/aggressive or too hyperkinetic/distractable or too emotional/hypersensitive (read more in the box below)
· Re-designing relationships with teenaged children and/or young adult children (living in or out of the home) so they are based on the full range of mutual respect and mutual benefit
· Training parents how to succeed at having that tricky series of conversations that cover educating your child about sex, drugs, alcohol and rebellion. Coming up with ways the parents can respect their own parenting styles AND also respect their child’s needs in ways that empower the growing child to have good boundaries, stay safe, remain centered in the face of peer pressure and become a respectful -- and self-respecting -- intimate partner
· Building your child’s emotional intelligence (EQ) by teaching your child on-the-ground skills to deal with their own emotions and the feelings/reactions of others in ways that work, such as making assertive requests, speaking up, negotiating workable agreements, practicing mutual respect, making amends, etc.
Dealing with a child who is considered “too much”?
As the counselor in a private school, I had a chance to work with the parents and teachers of many kids who were struggling and had often been labeled “too much to handle.”
I noticed that almost all of the referrals I received from school principals and pediatricians were also to families who were at their wit’s end with a child they could not figure out how to deal with; a child considered to be “too much of something.”
After several years of working with these children and families I realized that it was extremely useful to know what kind of a “too much kid” each of these children were because each grouping responded to totally different types of discipline, calming down and empowerment.
There were three different categories of children who were considered “too much of something:”
1) too aggressive, too forceful, too bossy
2) too emotional, too sensitive, too dramatic
3) too hyperkinetic, too distractable, too energetic
These days I realize it is always the clients who show the counselor how to best serve them. The child and the family work alongside me to figure out what works best - most comfortably and successfully - for their child.
When the family members learn to interact and negotiate with a child in ways that suit that child’s style, based in a clear understanding of that child’s reasons for doing things the way they do, it leads to many happy outcomes and a renewed ease of relating. Many of these families are successful in diminishing the “too much-ness” over time, such that the child has a much easier time at school, with friends and with their family members.
What others are saying:
“We are so grateful for your heart-felt guidance and suggestions. Our son is doing great – and so are his father and I. Luke kept his agreements. It was really magnificent to see how empowered and affirmed he felt as a result of our meeting with you. Todd and I feel like we have some great new tools to work with.”
— Sumi and Todd (Parents of Luke), Corte Madera, CA
“Before working with you, we felt isolated and overwhelmed. We now know we have a partner in our journey to raise our son and help him become the best that he can be. We cannot recommend you enough.”
— N.F. (Mother of Lucca) Mill Valley, CA
Without judgement, Lonnie and Jill have helped us understand accept and connect with our children to build the family life that works for us. It’s a work in progress, but we are certain that any parenting challenge we will be up against they will be the first experts we call upon for support and guidance that is truly invaluable.
— Ingrid (Mother of three) Ross, CA